Tired

I have those foolish moments of emotion
Moments that make me feel a little broken
Tears threaten, and I wonder what’s wrong
When I realize it’s tiredness singing its song

Taking offence comes so easy
Life no longer feels so breezy
I just want a nanna nap you know
But somehow sleep comes so slow

Memories start flashing
Feelings are rapidly crashing
It’s something I can’t articulate
So I’ll hope it passes while I wait

I’m supposed to be studying
But instead I’m writing and wondering
And when it comes down to it, I’m scared
Because I’m tired and unprepared.

RK

I'm a train wreck, feel like I ought free you
I'll just drag you down, you don't know what's in store
You deserve so much better than I can give
You shouldn't have to live the life I live

Coz I'm underwater, breathing water into my lungs
You're my ladder and I'm climbing the rungs
But I'm scared of pulling you down
I don't want to bring you with me when I drown

You're giving me oxygen from your supply
Unprepared, I don't want to suck you dry
I'd give you up to save you, but I'm addicted
You're a different drug to what I pictured

Nostalgia

There's those moments of nostalgia
Moments that make you wish for amnesia
When you wonder if that pain from yesterday
Helped you grow, or if it was merely meant to flay

You know, about them you'll always care
They own a piece of your heart, it's just not fair
Because you know this pain, they don't share
To them you were convenient, just a spare

You move on, and hope to God you forget
But a picture, a location; it's like a game of mental roulette
Sometimes it's okay, but others it just hits you
Like a boulder rolling down a hill without adieu

It's in the weight of emotion and memory
You wish that they were feeling the same misery
They broke your heart, and it just isn't right
That they can walk away without enduring the same painful bite

I've been walking on the wrong track
And this was supposed to be my comeback
But I'm being bombarded, insidious arrows
Little things that add up, doubt it bestows

See I was lost, traveling in the wrong direction
When He used pain to guide my disposition
It should've made me walk away for good
But instead I felt His hand where I stood

I had habits that were drowning me slowly
But in one night, I gave them up wholly
I was taking baby steps, teetering on a tightrope
Then the blues came and I couldn't cope

I was struggling, wondering if I should wait
Till I had it all figured out, to walk straight
So He used a voice familiar to me
To speak, to encourage and to help me see

This was what I really wanted, at my core
Excited and terrified at what was in store.
Prayer came hesitantly, feeble whispers at best
But then I was failing again, feeling so stressed

Suggestions made, fear started creeping in
Are the 'right' choices I'm making, really a sin?
Am I gonna be burnt, is this actually wrong?
The shots are finding their target, I'm not strong,

So Lord I'm begging you with my soul
Show me the right way, make me whole
I'm so confused, it's feeling bleak
Take me by the hand, on my own I'm so weak.

For her

There's something so precious and beautiful
About a friendship that's true, not just dutiful
Those moments when betrayal changes your life
But for the better, not in pain and strife

When the knives drop from their hands
And healing is given, from a soul who understands
Second chances offered are priceless
Giving each other a hopeful accomplice

The most powerful appeal I've had to date
Is the empathy and longing she did create
Holding each other in the dark, hearts broken
Pieces were put back together with words spoken

My dark muse

The fingers of doubt and dread pull me down
Long, bony whisps of fear strangle and drown
I'm feeling choked, just want to breathe my last
Yet misery has claimed me, won't let me leave his clasp

It strokes me with a lovers touch
Each caress outlines the cold clutch
That claims me, holds me close to it's chest
A terrifying embrace that gives no rest.

Fight: do try if you dare
In the end, you'll find it's easier not to care
Suspended in space and time
Listening as the clock peals out it's leaden chime

Even if you try stop it's perpetual swing
You'll probably fail, because life does cling;
It respects not your pain, only cares that you remain
In this miserable, cold domain

It's hard to remind myself on some days
That life's worth living, feels like an endless maze
See, the world is tearing at the seams
Everywhere I look there's people with broken dreams

Each one of us seeking healing
All railing against the cards life been dealing
It's draining trying to live with these battle scars
Yet some pretend, live behind self erected bars

They think it a shame to be weak
Not understanding, everyone's outlook is bleak
Being strong is a choice we all gotta choose
We gonna fight or succumb to the blues?

I've got this theory that strength forms at our command
Some are fighters, go out on the attack sword in hand
Others make amour and shelter inside
Yet others use it up on masks behind which they hide

Me, I've made walking sticks I'm hobbing on
I'm chasing hope on broken legs, a slow marathon
When it comes down to the bottom line
We're all weak and none of us are really doing fine
We're all fighting in our own way, using all our strength
Struggling with all we've got to go life's length.

I'm getting to that point of no return
As I'm continuing to see and to learn
That there lies in each one of us
The ability to throw another under the bus

Like sheep they live their lives each day
Following whatever holds the most sway
Don't wanna rock the boat, or make a wave
It's normalcy and likability they crave

There's that saying, written so well
If they all like you, there's a story it does tell
Of how you haven't done it right
You haven't given challenge and put up a fight

Because if you stand for something unpopular
You'll be kicked out of their circle in a way spectacular
Trust becomes as rare as silver or gold
While friendships become frosted and cold,

For the diehard peacemakers I'll say,
You won't be remembered in the futures day
It's the pot stirrers who leave their footprint
And carve into historybooks their dint

We live a life where they all have an agenda
Can't trust those who are sworn to be our defender
So we gotta educate ourselves don't just rely
On those who gain from if we follow and comply
It's about time we stand up and defy
Those who, our rights they do deny

24/03/2018

There comes a point after being hurt
You realize, the pain you can't avert
But it's time to let it go, however slow
Because they're not ready to grow
And you can't wait on them forever
When all ties they did sever

This whole mess, I just want to ameliorate
That perfect scene I want to recreate
These feelings of pain are endogenous
But even so, he is the premise

His parents have created a hegemony
My only hope is that it's left him feeling stony
Because his parents are a living aporia
Portray as so nice, yet tearing others down is their euphoria


Ameliorate - make something bad better
Endogenous - coming from internal
Hegemony - a dictatorship
Aporia - written contradiction

Not dated, but in an old diary

One step's been taken
Her heart is breakin
Nowhere to turn...
Except to burn.

Her past flashes by
Taunting her; making her sigh
'You've failed before..
We don't lie; wanna see more?'

'Enough! My past is my past.
When did you see me there last?!'

5/10/2012

Grey cloud cover the horizon
Bringin hard times I'm surmisin
No matter bout their silver lining,
It's for a ray of sun I'm pining

They're coming fast and thick
Dropping their loads like brick
Will I shatter through the storm?
Or will I stand firm though torn?

I look abroad
And think of my Lord
Feel Him by my side,
Giving me a place to hide

'Oh my daughter,' said He
'Over there, don't you see?'
I looked toward the east
Now not afraid in the least

And through the storm
I saw the break of dawn

They say I need to move on and let it go
But how do I when these feelings won't stop their flow?
All these quotes say it so perfectly
Making simplicity out of absurdity

But they're mere words on the screen
I'm stuck in my head, badly wanna scream
Need something to do, can't do nothing
Dunno what, just know I'm busting

So to pass the time, I dream up many a scene
About where it works out, without them mean
But reality is a bitch slap to my mind
These emotions are so difficult, I find.

I'm listening to Celtic Woman on repeat
They're great songs; I'm grateful I got a seat
At their concert, with him by my side
But now I've got this pain I can't hide

Waking up and remembering that it's all gone
I dont know if I'll ever get it back, and forever is so long

So I'm sitting here in my room, pining away
Thinking about him in my wistful way
Wishing I could change things, make it fine
Go back, give him strength or at least some time

Whatever I did wrong, at ten or twenty
It seems I could've done nothing and it'd be plenty
For his mother to dislike me beyond reason.
So I'm living for myself now, making it my season

He's gotta live his life you know
Make his journey, despite how it feels slow
Whether I'm in the picture in the end
I'll cheer him all the way, even as a friend.

Because I believe in the man he is
And the man he will be, courageous and yes: this
That he's amazing; no slight will I believe
Because with him, my trust I did leave

And I cannot believe that my instincts were wrong
They told me a story so strong
About a man who longed to be free
Of his parents and lies. You see, it wasn't about me.

I'm getting this sneaky peek
An insight into his mind I did seek
The sights open my eyes, albeit reluctantly
I'm accepting this knowledge hesitantly

I dreamed he was noble and true
But I've woken up, now I'm feeling blue
His parting words, he spoke with honesty
Turns out he can deceive flawlessly

Made me believe, what I really wanted to
Doesn't matter I knew better than that tho
He just wanted to break the rules
But couldn't handle the outbreak of whirlpools

I was collateral damage in his war
That he was waging on his own shore
Internal battle, striking out with feeble blows
This round was ceded, but we'll see how the next goes

A hunger for freedom, rid of the lies
An image of perfection, a feeble disguise
Hypocrisy, there's that struggle inside
Trying to figure out which way he'll ride

There's a rebel inside, wanting throw away the shackles
But it's a hard road, with many battles

We're all wrapped up in our own little bubble
Stumbling through our mounds of rubble
Too busy to share, too tired to care
I wanna check out of this life and go elsewhere

Why do we all have to be so selfish?
Peace on earth, this my simple wish
Christians gotta be the example for all
Yet we're worse than the rest: the lies so tall

It's our actions with which we deceive
Break down others without mercy or reprieve
Because it's this image of perfection we protect
It's what we live for; our deadly concept

Break my heart and watch me cry
Walk away and tell me a crazy lie
You say you never cared at all
While you calmly watched me fall

I want to believe what we had was real
That you didn't just do it to throw me off keel
I hoped like I've never hoped before
That it wouldn't leave me feeling broken and raw

That I could believe in good men again
While cynicism got me thinking it's all a sham.
Got me questioning my intuition
Can't help but regard it all with suspicion

I'm getting mixed messages from inside
Reading you got me in knots tightly tied
One half believes you to be who I saw
A man to be proud of, one I'd give all for

Then there's the side that wants to give in
Give in to the hurt and grief, let the pain win
Write you off as a fraud and a fake
An awful good manipulator who I didn't make

And I can't make up my damn mind
Why did I give in, let myself find
That I was missing out on the best
When you're determined to make it out as mere jest

There's a reality we must accept
But at hiding, we are incredibly adept
Fear's got us locked in our own house
Our enthusiasm and happiness it does douse

Let yourself shine, take off that mask
Accept your mistakes, stop taking it to task
It's better to fall 7 times and get up again
Than to fall once, and find to get up you never can

It's so hard for us to accept and embrace
That we're all together in this miserable, painful race
We've all got those flaws we hide inside
Yet we condemn those who let it slide

Fake is the new normal way of living
Bleak is the prospect, with no grace or forgiving
Hope is faded, leaving one and all jaded
Looks are pointed, words sharp, character shaded...

Give in to the tiny rays of hope
Grab on to that lifeline rope
This deep, dark tunnel leads to a light
Walk towards it, watch it get bright

We'll get through if we push hard enough
True character shines through when it gets tough
Be real, let your light blaze and be free
It's about time the truth is freed for all to see

Deceptive, that's what they said I am
Tho they wouldn't say what, why or when
It's something I've a particular abhorrence for
To deceive, to betray: it burns me to my core

I've had it happen to me you see
And such a person I could never be
To intentionally lie about a situation
In my world it causes an aberration

Devious, I can wear that title
At creating solutions, I am capable
Call me sly, I can accept that description
I'll find the loopholes, I've got the prescription

But life isn't black and white, its made out of grey
Nothing is straight forward, we're made out of clay
So if my intention isn't to hurt others
What is it exactly that bothers?

If we follow the rules to the letter
What about creativity, ways to be better?
God created us to each be autonomous
To make our own decisions to be our best

Ive gotten stuck in a funk
Feeling these emotions got me sunk
Feeling poisoned, need the antidote
Wanna drown these sorrows and catch a boat

Its a slippery slope to go down tho
Doesnt matter if you go fast or slow
It becomes a habit you can't escape
An emptiness inside it does create

But for now it does help me sleep
Forget the memories and he who I couldn't keep
Evade these feelings that hold me in their grasp
That keep dragging me back through the past

Every moment feeling sick
Nauseous, and my tongue feels thick
Its still easier to live with and bear
Than to live each day feeling my heart tear

Oh I did it again. Why don't I learn?!
Just wanna give up, don't know where to turn
I walked in, heart open, eyes open too
I knew it, but I ignored it - tho I had every clue

I feel the shards flying, cutting deep
I knew, but I did it anyway, the price would be steep
A pound of flesh, the heart to be specific
The price of love, the cost terrific

A part died in me today
I guess I just have to live this way
Sentenced to my own hell
Here on my own to dwell

So here in my bedroom I sit and cry
Memories washing over me until I run dry
And even tho I do know why
I'll still be wondering why until I die

I've been here in this place before
All that comes is a closed, no, slammed door
Instead of my nose, it breaks my heart
So why I am waiting for it to get to that part?

I've come here of my own will
Given my heart freely, crazier still
Hoped for a different outcome
When I really should have run

Maybe I'm a sucker for pain
Maybe I'm not really sane
What I know is I look at him and think
It's worth it, I'm willing to swim or sink

I don't really know how it'll end
If my heart in pieces it'll rend
Or if it'll be happily ever after
With smiles, peace and laughter

I can only ride the waves
Hoping, yet watching as it slowly caves
Antifragility is my aim, stronger I'll be
No matter what I go through, what I see

And if, after the trial I come through
In one piece and with love too
I'll be beyond surprised for sure
Because I've not experienced it before

I'm the dirty little secret
Don't worry; don't fret
i won't tell anyone you know
I'll keep my spot down low

I know my place real well
My own little space of hell
Knowing I'm cool to hang with and fun
Have their slice of sunshine, then they're done

Imma live and learn, I say it each time
But I get too deep, can't find that line
Just want somewhere to stand
Just so sick of all this sinking sand

Drowning; emotions swamp me
I'm stronger, I must always be
It doesn't matter that I know the outcome
It's like it's my destiny and I can't even run