Growing

 Why does it hurt so bad some days?
I'm just wandering through life in a daze
It doesn't take much to trigger the emotions
They come like waves, they come like oceans

Deep and wide and crashing into me
Like a riptide, theyre dragging me out to sea
I could drown here, as metaphorical as it seems
Its the truth for real, I'm bursting at the seams

As my lungs are fighting for air, a dying will to live hits
A base need to survive, this is what keeps me going
And so this is my life, from okay to an emotional blitz
To a panicked fight for life. But hey, maybe I'm growing.

 I'm on a spiral downwards in my life
Ive given up on telling people, they just dont understand
Others, well I've felt the sharpness of their knife
I just feel so alone in a vast, empty land

Its not as simple as trying to be happy
there's not just one reason I'm struggling
Normally, I'm really quite scrappy
But theres so many things, Ive had to start juggling

I can only carry so many things at once
My hands can only fit so much
Ive lost the rhythm, now im trying avoidance
These days I'm just trying to walk with a crutch

Why bother

 Why do I bother opening up to people?
It turns out, liars are those that stand under the steeple
It doesnt matter how much I try, I'm tainted
With all my sins, real or not, these people are  acquaited

I found out that I cant escape my past
Even if I scrub my skin raw, these stains will always last
Because to them, I cannot change who I am
I guess theyre right. Look at me, I'm just a sham

Faking being alright. Faking everything in life
If I could, I would run myself through with a knife
But look at that self pity I am indulging in
These thoughts are just yet another sin

You know, if I had God in my heart I would be okay
None of this pain would hurt. Everything, He would allay
But look, this is proof of who I am
I'm a sinner who isnt worth a damn.

Oh go ahead, try reassure me thats not true
I know that everything you say is a pile of poo
I've tried to stop caring. And as much as I havent succeeded
One day I will be gone. I'll have fully receded
And by then it'll be too late, no matter what
Your actions will no longer cut
That day l will no longer care. I will be gone
On this fucked up chess board I will no longer be a pawn

R

 I thought I knew the right way
I tried walking when I was meant to stay
I fought when I was meant to be still
Then I wondered why it was all uphill

Confusion assailed me at every turn
Why was it that I could never learn?!
How do you let go of something so dear?
Giving up feels too much to bear

Sometimes you've just got to embrace the emptiness
Sometimes you've got to get by with less
Its those moments where you've nothing to live for
Thats when you discover your true core

Right now I'm angry, hurt, disgusted and betrayed
I'm trying to work through it all but I'm afraid.
How do you really face the demons you fight?
When this rage is simmering, waiting to ignite

I'm trying to fight, but I'm underwater, barely breathing
My heart is aching, but its also seething
How do you deal with such intentional loss?!
This gulf of grief, how do I get across?

How could you just walk away like that?
Leaving both me and our son feeling flat
How could you turn your love off like a switch?
It was like black magic, how else could you just ditch?

( Written around April)

R & I

Like sand filtering between my fingers
Im losing the last of us that lingers
Im grasping at straws, hoping we arent lost
But im feeling the icicles of frost
Its like we're a creek pool thats stagnating
If he's the king & im the Queen then im abdicating

Like a barely flickering candle, we're fading
Im holding my emotions in check, masquerading
I dont know how to fix what is broken
I know ill eventually break if this is all left unspoken
The disconnect has started inside, despite trying
Like the last of my hope is slowly dying

I just wish he would see whats happening here
I wonder how he would feel if I would disappear
Just walk away and not look back
Because im done just handing out slack
Done waiting for him to decide if we're worth it
I just want to see if he cares when I quit

Its like whenever I get a jump start of hope
I start to slip on this neverending tightrope
Scared of slipping up, of not doing it right
he's watching and its a long fall from this height
sometimes I just want to give in, let myself fall
Just to see if he'll help me up or put up a wall
But maybe it'll be worth it in the long haul

Maybe giving up is merely the start of a new beginning
Where I wont be constantly scared im sinning
Giving up is calling to me, like a siren to a drowning sailor
Yet im scared that its true that im a failure

They say that we teach others how to treat us
If thats true, then ive walked myself under that bus
Because im dont even value me for me
I just give myself out for free  

Written the week before the break up - January

Life

 Its not that I believe the worst of people
Its just I know of what theyre capable
I also know that we're all broken and dying
Its like I hear in my soul all their crying

I know how broken I am, there is no disguise
But it means I can see others pain reflected in their eyes
I know everyone is struggling at least as much as I am
I know that believing youre special is just a sham

If there's a God up above, then I want to know why
When I begged and pleaded, why didnt I get a reply?
Life has become so hopeless down here
I just wish so bad that I could disappear

Its not that I feel a lack of caring from loved ones
Its that I know they have their own burdens that weigh tons
Its that I know I'm only adding to their burdens
Besides, the ones that care are the aberrations
So why wear out the good ones with my problems?
When I barely feel worthy of accepting even their crumbs

Ryan

Its been 6 months, in that time that I should've healed
I've tried to move on, I thought by now my heart wouldve steeled
Instead the mere thought of you makes me nauseous, brings me to my knees
I would bleed, I would beg if I thought you would just listen to my pleas

"Sail by ash breeze" is tattooed on my skin
But I cant seem to do that, to my chagrin
Because I'm frozen in time, reliving the feel of that knife
Feeling it cut so deep that its echoed through my whole life

I never thought you would cut me out of your life and heart
But you did and this pain, its eating at me: tearing me apart
I wouldve waited for as long as you needed, wouldve bled for you
But knowing you never wanted me back, I tried to bid you adieu

I tried to move on, but instead I would lay next to him dreaming of you
Instead now I cry with broken sobs to a God that it seems I never knew
I plead for help of any kind, something or someone to save me
But its always on my own that I am, climbing out the debris

You broke so many promises and more than just my heart
But you weren't content to leave it at that, no that was just the start
You stole my God too. You stole my hope. My strength.
I never thought, when you stabbed me in the back that you would go this length

I hope youre happy while youre on earth, happy with your betrayal
Because I hope you burn in hell in the life to come, I hope its abysmal
I hope you feel even a fraction of the pain youve caused us
I hope that one day something bad happens, maybe be hit by a bus

But most of all I hope that youre alright, and instead you make it all right
Because as much as I hate you, I love you just as much still
I hope that one day you wake up and are feeling contrite
I need you to either make it better or just do it, make the final kill

Lost family

He was my hero, fixer of all things broken
I looked up to him, hung on all things spoken
He taught me how to do stuff, to try new things
Its with such longing that thinking of him brings
He was my happiness, but he left so abruptly
Gone without a goodbye, he was my daddy

She played with me, included me in jobs
She hugged me, kissed away my owies and sobs
Snuck me chocolate, kept humus and crackers
Loved me even tho I broke her nutcrackers
I called her Nani, she called me her grandson
I never thought she too would leave me to abandon

He let me help fix cars and random things around
Whenever others were busy, it was him I found
Early I would wake, for my special time with Pop
I never thought his love for me would stop

My uncles were always my joy and fun
Tickling me until I came undone
Bouncing on the trampoline, chasing me
Surely they too wouldnt go absentee

They were my family, I saw them everyday
Now I never see them, in passing or to play
It was so sudden and it left me so confused
They left and now my heart is bruised

I've heard that they left because God told them to
But Jesus loves us children, isnt that true?
If that was so, then why would He tell them to go?
To push me away when I beg? That's what I want to know.

Pharisaic Christians

Loudly on the street corners they prayed
With costly apparel were they arrayed
A menace in the temple and the streets
Who were these hypocrites and cheats?

Men who had lost their salt, worse than an unbeliever
They were teachers who turned deceiver
They had the greatest light yet closed their eyes
It was these men who tried to lead Jesus to His demise

God's law is meant to be kept for our good
They took it and made it misunderstood
A form, a tradition, a noose around the neck of all
It was fast becoming the peoples downfall

Instead of pointing out that they had many a flaw
Jesus showed them His character, let it be the draw
Because He is love, He is kindness, He is goodness
His ways change lives, they are ageless

The Pharisaic way is to live a life of works
There's a reason why people call Christians 'jerks'
The Jews of Jesus' day had forms, traditions and no heart
Christians today, instead of learning are perfecting this cold art

Set Free

Life is a riddle, life is a fiddle
Life can be kind, or it can be fickle
To an extent it is what you make of it
But sometimes youre just a pig on the spit

Its a roller coaster of emotion
You cant get off while its still in motion
You ride it out until it is over and done
And you dont get your money back if it wasnt fun

Sometimes you make a mistake and ruin the ride
Sometimes it breaks from the outside
All I know is that you've got to take responsibility
Or if it wasnt from you, know fighting is a futility

Because people make their choices, right or wrong
You cant force someone to stay and belong
Even if it kills you inside to watch them walk away
They made the choice. They chose this way.

What you get to choose is how it defines you
You get to choose how you will get through
Truth is, a lot hurts in this life we live
Sometimes we're stronger to forgive

Life is even harder when youre fighting it alone
It can be like a train wreck or a cyclone
But I know that I have this hope in me
That when in the darkness I be
God will be my strength and my light
When I am blinded, He is my sight.

When Im a tiger in a cage, He is my calm
When all is hopeless, His praise is my psalm
I know who I used to be, bitter and angry
Dangerous when backed in a corner you see
But Ive found a Savior who promises to all
That He will always be there for us when we call

Taste and see

There are days where I cant see for crying
There are days where I feel like I'm slowly dying
A broken heart is a heavy thing indeed
This feeling where you can feel your heart bleed

But we have a promise, given by One
The one who is the Creator, God's own Son
He came to bind up the brokenhearted
For us, this sin infested land He charted.

He walked this path to show us it can be done
The devil is king of this land, yet can be overcome
With an "It is written" the battle can be won
For victory is given to all who trust in the Son

He has said for us to ackowledge Him in all our ways
And I want to shout it from the rooftops all my days
For I wish for others know, how He changes everything
How even in my darkest moments He makes me sing

I have tasted and seen that He is good
While at the edge of despair I have stood
He held my hand, saying 'fear not, I will help you'
Though the waters overflow, I will carry you through

His praise shall continually be on my lips
For He has loved me despite my many slips
Because He paid the ultimate price
So that I, unworthy tho I be, can have eternal life.