Growing

 Why does it hurt so bad some days?
I'm just wandering through life in a daze
It doesn't take much to trigger the emotions
They come like waves, they come like oceans

Deep and wide and crashing into me
Like a riptide, theyre dragging me out to sea
I could drown here, as metaphorical as it seems
Its the truth for real, I'm bursting at the seams

As my lungs are fighting for air, a dying will to live hits
A base need to survive, this is what keeps me going
And so this is my life, from okay to an emotional blitz
To a panicked fight for life. But hey, maybe I'm growing.

 I'm on a spiral downwards in my life
Ive given up on telling people, they just dont understand
Others, well I've felt the sharpness of their knife
I just feel so alone in a vast, empty land

Its not as simple as trying to be happy
there's not just one reason I'm struggling
Normally, I'm really quite scrappy
But theres so many things, Ive had to start juggling

I can only carry so many things at once
My hands can only fit so much
Ive lost the rhythm, now im trying avoidance
These days I'm just trying to walk with a crutch

Why bother

 Why do I bother opening up to people?
It turns out, liars are those that stand under the steeple
It doesnt matter how much I try, I'm tainted
With all my sins, real or not, these people are  acquaited

I found out that I cant escape my past
Even if I scrub my skin raw, these stains will always last
Because to them, I cannot change who I am
I guess theyre right. Look at me, I'm just a sham

Faking being alright. Faking everything in life
If I could, I would run myself through with a knife
But look at that self pity I am indulging in
These thoughts are just yet another sin

You know, if I had God in my heart I would be okay
None of this pain would hurt. Everything, He would allay
But look, this is proof of who I am
I'm a sinner who isnt worth a damn.

Oh go ahead, try reassure me thats not true
I know that everything you say is a pile of poo
I've tried to stop caring. And as much as I havent succeeded
One day I will be gone. I'll have fully receded
And by then it'll be too late, no matter what
Your actions will no longer cut
That day l will no longer care. I will be gone
On this fucked up chess board I will no longer be a pawn

R

 I thought I knew the right way
I tried walking when I was meant to stay
I fought when I was meant to be still
Then I wondered why it was all uphill

Confusion assailed me at every turn
Why was it that I could never learn?!
How do you let go of something so dear?
Giving up feels too much to bear

Sometimes you've just got to embrace the emptiness
Sometimes you've got to get by with less
Its those moments where you've nothing to live for
Thats when you discover your true core

Right now I'm angry, hurt, disgusted and betrayed
I'm trying to work through it all but I'm afraid.
How do you really face the demons you fight?
When this rage is simmering, waiting to ignite

I'm trying to fight, but I'm underwater, barely breathing
My heart is aching, but its also seething
How do you deal with such intentional loss?!
This gulf of grief, how do I get across?

How could you just walk away like that?
Leaving both me and our son feeling flat
How could you turn your love off like a switch?
It was like black magic, how else could you just ditch?

( Written around April)