Deceptive, that's what they said I am
Tho they wouldn't say what, why or when
It's something I've a particular abhorrence for
To deceive, to betray: it burns me to my core

I've had it happen to me you see
And such a person I could never be
To intentionally lie about a situation
In my world it causes an aberration

Devious, I can wear that title
At creating solutions, I am capable
Call me sly, I can accept that description
I'll find the loopholes, I've got the prescription

But life isn't black and white, its made out of grey
Nothing is straight forward, we're made out of clay
So if my intention isn't to hurt others
What is it exactly that bothers?

If we follow the rules to the letter
What about creativity, ways to be better?
God created us to each be autonomous
To make our own decisions to be our best

Ive gotten stuck in a funk
Feeling these emotions got me sunk
Feeling poisoned, need the antidote
Wanna drown these sorrows and catch a boat

Its a slippery slope to go down tho
Doesnt matter if you go fast or slow
It becomes a habit you can't escape
An emptiness inside it does create

But for now it does help me sleep
Forget the memories and he who I couldn't keep
Evade these feelings that hold me in their grasp
That keep dragging me back through the past

Every moment feeling sick
Nauseous, and my tongue feels thick
Its still easier to live with and bear
Than to live each day feeling my heart tear

Oh I did it again. Why don't I learn?!
Just wanna give up, don't know where to turn
I walked in, heart open, eyes open too
I knew it, but I ignored it - tho I had every clue

I feel the shards flying, cutting deep
I knew, but I did it anyway, the price would be steep
A pound of flesh, the heart to be specific
The price of love, the cost terrific

A part died in me today
I guess I just have to live this way
Sentenced to my own hell
Here on my own to dwell

So here in my bedroom I sit and cry
Memories washing over me until I run dry
And even tho I do know why
I'll still be wondering why until I die

I've been here in this place before
All that comes is a closed, no, slammed door
Instead of my nose, it breaks my heart
So why I am waiting for it to get to that part?

I've come here of my own will
Given my heart freely, crazier still
Hoped for a different outcome
When I really should have run

Maybe I'm a sucker for pain
Maybe I'm not really sane
What I know is I look at him and think
It's worth it, I'm willing to swim or sink

I don't really know how it'll end
If my heart in pieces it'll rend
Or if it'll be happily ever after
With smiles, peace and laughter

I can only ride the waves
Hoping, yet watching as it slowly caves
Antifragility is my aim, stronger I'll be
No matter what I go through, what I see

And if, after the trial I come through
In one piece and with love too
I'll be beyond surprised for sure
Because I've not experienced it before

I'm the dirty little secret
Don't worry; don't fret
i won't tell anyone you know
I'll keep my spot down low

I know my place real well
My own little space of hell
Knowing I'm cool to hang with and fun
Have their slice of sunshine, then they're done

Imma live and learn, I say it each time
But I get too deep, can't find that line
Just want somewhere to stand
Just so sick of all this sinking sand

Drowning; emotions swamp me
I'm stronger, I must always be
It doesn't matter that I know the outcome
It's like it's my destiny and I can't even run